Where to begin? For those of you that travel internationally, hotel selection is an art form. Of course, the internet, Expedia, and Trip Advisor have made this a little less artsy and a little more scientific. It is not always easy. Booking our pre-cruise hotel always involves research on our part. Given that Pope Francis declared 2025 a Papal Jubilee (read pilgrimage to Rome for the faithful) then the selection of an American Pope (Pope Leo), hotel selection was going to be expensive and competitive. We booked 11 months ago. While the American Branded hotels here are lovely and preferred (Looking at you sister, Kathy), the competition for a room with cruisers and the faithful gives new meaning to plus, plus on room charges. Besides Eddie does love a well researched boutique hotel. Typically not as large as a cruising hotel, but oozes charm, history and individualized service…read advanced butt powdering. I narrowed the selection down to a few near the Villa Borghese Park area. It was up to Eddie to make the final selection and do the research on butt powdering. He selected a property that was once a sprawling Villa, Vittorio Veneto. Classic Italian rooms with stucco and mosaic touches backing up to the park, and a short walk to the inside of the old city walls. As the Europeans like small beds, we upgraded to a Junior suite to insure at least two twins or a king sized bed. We booked, prepaid, and secured with some effort the cruiser’s/international traveler coveted early arrival time. Nothing says rookie like not being able to check into your room until 3:30 when they have you off the ship or plane at 8:30. Somewhere over the summer, we received notification that our traditional luxury boutique hotel had been rebranded as nHow Roma. A Quick Look at who that was indicated it is the same corporate entity that has the White Lotus (yes, HBO collagen lips Jennifer Coolidge, Sydney Sweeney, Patrick Schwarzenegger) property. While we don’t watch WL, we are aware-being in the non Mouth Breathers cool old people club, and all. Eddie was like “Yeah, Baby”. I guess I failed to read the 200 emails they sent us about updating and refreshing, my bad.
Fast forward to our arrival a nHow Roma at 10:30 on Wednesday morning. We were greeted on the street level by the Valet, who directed the baggage to the bellman, and us down 7 steps to an elevator 500 feet away to the H floor for reception. That is where traditional, luxury, historical made a true left turn into Soul Train meets 1970’s hippy college dorm room. The reception area was purple with pink neon halos over the three reception podiums. Forget those silly long desk with functional computers and credit card reader. They were decorated with spider webs and large spiders, so forget a writing area. Not sure if those where for Halloween or permanent decorations. As the path to our junior suite was more like a maze, first time, they send someone with you. No bag of bread crumbs to mark your trail…mental test for those of a certain age. You Board a pink elevator (you came down on a blue elevator-blue means exit, pink means guest rooms-again, no signs) and go from H to 1. You exit on 1. All the walls have been painted black, not black matte, but shiny black, with BIG pink room numbers-Like 10” each to the left of the door. Think coupon days at Micheal’s. No braille here, folks. You walk down the corridor toward the ceiling to floor and 5 foot wide video screen flashing pictures of all the horror show classics, Psycho, the Shining, Chucky, with a few dancing skeletons and Happy Halloweens in between. We hang a left at the Bates motel and down 7 steps to the game room…Costco foosball, claw game, and two PacMan games, are next to the next set of elevators. The elevator has a karaoke screen and instruction to dance and sing to the music like no one is watching, then post to Instagram…and has been artful overdone with pink nHow stickers kinda of like a elementary school water bottle. Fifth floor, please. More black and pink paint-must have been a sale.
We arrive at our Junior suite. There is an 8x10 sitting/living room with an open closet area. The wood work has been freshly painted with the hot pink, the traditional Roman wallpaper is still on the back wall. There are hangers and some small floating shelves, refrigerator, safe and coffee bar set up, and curtains to cover the area, or get in the way of making coffee in the morning. More on that in a minute. On the floor of the closet is a golden half of a crab trap contraption that we have decided after much giggling is our suitcase stand. Too bad it only comes up to our chins…which of the five suitcases will get to sleep here? On one hand it is handy for those suitcases that must lie flat open to get into both side, on the other it is a back breaker. The floor is the original blue, peach and burnt orange flower tile design from its previous life. The mosaic wallpaper remains on the lower part of our living room wall, along with a full length mirror bordered in hippy flower. Top the whole thing off with a pink velvet sleeping sofa and small white marble table and you have our living room.
Now, on to our sleeping accommodations. In its previously life, this room had two twin beds which fit neatly into two arches, with more Romanesque mural wallpaper. I assume there was a nightstand that serviced both beds. Those have been replaced with a king bed awkwardly placed between the two decorated arches. The nightstand has been replaced with two funky rather small purple flower shaped tables. Ed’s CPAP (Snuffy) is sleeping on the floor. The traditional lamps have been replaced with wall mounted bright halogen lamps. There are two windows with heavy black out drapes from the previous life that have orange mosaic pattern on them. To tie the entire look together, the ceiling has been covered with 9 or so swifts (Not Taylor, but she would have appreciated the orange touches) in flight (like Martins, I know, because old people know their birds) purplish navy stickers. I would loved to have been at the meeting when the corporate design team pitched this to management. There must have been wine involved.
The bathroom is actually not bad, if you like black Italian tiles on the walls and floors. The upgrade involved making the sink area smaller, and placing flat black rocks on it to place your things that might make a ring. The towels a large and fluffy and not pink and the toilet works, so all is well.
Back to the coffee serve area…a 2.5x2.5 area with the drapes covering 1/4 of the area. Italians do love their coffee . You have actual cup ware for either coffee or espresso. No paper cups and plastic tops here. Italians savor a cup of coffee or espresso. There is a Lavazza coffee machine, pods, spoons, a tea pot, carton of water and glasses. Read crowded work area. No instructions, but I am a worldly traveler and understand non Keurig machines. However, the plug does not work unless you press and hold the plug in while you make your cup of coffee . So, to make coffee in the morning, I have wrapped the drape around my neck (very European) hold the plug in and pull the chrome hand to engage the pod. Great coffee, managed to drink it and not blow it out my nose laughing when I told Eddie how I made it.
I do not know when we have laughed so hard. We have actually hung out in the lobby/bar area to watch people that made same post cruise book error. Average age here is 75…the looks on their faces tell us all we need to know. White Lotus Rome…nope. At this stage of life, travel memories and a great belly life are like gold. I hope the rest of our trip is as much fun as our stay in Rome has been.
Happy Halloween
